I’ve realized this morning that I’m never going to be good enough. At least, not as long as I’m playing by the rules of society and our fucked up culture.
I really shouldn’t care. But I do. It’s not even that I play by the rules anymore, but a lot of people I know still do. I’m VERY clear about my goals and who I want to be and what I want my life to look like. VERY CLEAR. The “problem” is that what I want isn’t what most people want.
Maybe what most people think they want isn’t truly what they want and it’s what our TV and internet culture told them they should want. Probably that. But I’ve met VERY FEW people who have thought through every aspect of their lives and made decisions based on their own internal desires and standards.
How many books have YOU written?
I love how everyone tells me how much I need to relax and have fun and “let loose.” That’s all nice – and I KNOW I could do a little better in the “relaxing department.” (Particularly since, ONE DAY into my “no computer in the morning and yoga first thing in the morning” habit I’m writing this instead of doing yoga…) But I know what I want and where I want to be and who I want to be – and you don’t get there by relaxing. I also know that when the muse appears I need to write. She will likely be gone if I wait until later… Welcome to the wonderful world of being a wacky creative…
I talked about what it was like to drive my book “The Paleo Dieter’s Missing Link” to completion last week in the post: “My SINS Challenge Update – Late is a Lot Better than Never.” IT WAS HARD. So was getting a Chemistry degree 10 years ago. So is making good progress in weight training and martial arts – I know these two are hard because I’m currently making SHIT for progress. Nothing worth accomplishing is easy! NOTHING!
But, it’s a lot easier to find creative ways to distract yourself from what you really want or tell yourself you’re happy with the way things are. And, unless you are surrounded by exceptional people, most everyone in your life will be thrilled to tell you you’re much better served drinking with them or eating garbage with them than you are working on what matters TO YOU. Misery loves company…
There was a great quote in the book I just started reading, “The War of Art.” In it, Pressfield says:
“When we drug ourselves to blot out our soul’s call, we are being good Americans and exemplary consumers. We’re doing exactly what TV commercials and pop materialist culture have been brainwashing us to do since birth. Instead of applying self-knowledge, self-discipline, delayed gratification and hard work, we simply consume a product.”
I wasted some of the best training years of my life in my early 20s trying to “have it all.” I was out “being social” instead of studying or resting for my workout the next morning. I was letting others decided what was best for me instead of doing what I KNEW was right in spite of the fact that no one else was doing it and in spite of the fact that all my friends encouraged me to “let loose” and not be so “intense” all the time. And what was the final outcome of that period of my life? A train wreck. If I had it to live over again I wouldn’t even answer my phone when people called me to hang out. I’d train and rest and study and let the world go fuck itself. Maybe a few more pounds of muscle or a bigger deadlift or better health isn’t what our culture values. But, it’s what I valued then and it’s what I value now – and THAT’S what’s important.
But I can only live in The Now…
I can’t go back there, though. I can only live today and apply the lessons of yesterday to what I do now.
And here’s what I know today:
- I want to be a better writer and blogger
- I want to write the best fitness blog IN THE WORLD (Yeah, the world…)
- I want outstanding health, strength and fitness
- I want many, MANY people to buy, read and LOVE my new book
That’s just a start. I wrote out a bunch of other goals here: “My OWN SINS Challenge Goals.” None of these things happen by being balanced, they don’t happen by relaxing and they don’t happen by accident. They happen when you put in the hard, HARD work and break through your own – and society’s – resistance.
I’m done with it all. Nothing I want or do or accomplish will ever be good enough for anyone else anyway. I’m going to continue to focus on ME and what makes ME happy and what I value. If people like me and admire me for it, great. If it’s not good enough for someone else, I don’t care.
YOU shouldn’t care about anything but YOUR OWN standards either – as long as they’re TRULY YOURS. Think about THAT for a while…